Woman to Woman……

I know that you are for me,
I know that you are for me,
I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness,
And I know that you have come even if to write upon my heart,
To remind me who you are……

The words to this song by Kari Jobe have literally pulled me through this month. Many are times in this Christian walk where things have not necessarily gone as we planned nor as we imagined. Normally like many other human beings we have plans, for women this plans include the warmth of loyal friends, the love of a good man, and the laughter of children and unity of families. A great satisfying career and financial security would definitely be an added bonus. We don’t ask for much really . Most times we journey through and intentionally or even strategically place ourselves in the hope that all these plans will fall into place before we hit the age of thirty. So we pray, write lists, go for every singles meeting s/dinners/re-treats we can, for some of us like I said, the intentions are clear over what they want, while some are too scared of the thought of saying it aloud, I mean what would people think if they hear me saying I need a man, long for him and want to spend my days with him.

This longing and desire has had us settle for carbon copies instead of God’s desire for us, let’s be real woman to woman how many saved, hot for Jesus, heaven bound and tongue speaking women do you know that are unequally or have at one time been unequally yoked with non-believers? 2 Corinthians 6:14 says Do not be yoked with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what a fellowship can light have with darkness. Teaching after teaching ,seminars, conferences , re-treats name it all have emphasized on the dangers, the consequences of being unequally yoked but it just never seems to stick, we never seem to get it. Don’t get me wrong the word of God says that He grants us the desires of our heart, the desire for love, affection, children, peace, wealth, friendships and all that, but there is a another kind of desire that is in us. I don’t know about the men but I have only heard women speak about it, and I have experienced it myself, A desire to be deeply loved, deeply cared for, a longing to be held and desperate need to be affirmed, a thirst for a kiss and a touch of the soul, this love..This love that no man has or will ever be able to provide for me.

For many years I have sought this love in a man, in my career, in my hobbies and interest but I have never found it, year after year, promotion after promotion, relationship after relationship, there has always been something missing, plenty of times I would think there was something wrong with me! I mean how do you explain my wanting someone to take over and posses me, satisfy me and unconditionally love me, and no not really in a sexual way but someone who would own me! I know I sound crazy right now and the poor guys in my life never stood a chance, but I longed and yearned for that! I compromised in so many ways and in so many areas of my life that at some point I couldn’t recognize who I was or what values I stood for anymore. I was this Christian who was just seeking for the next high. This is the problem we face when we confuse the desire for God to being a desire for a man. Because no matter how hard you try a man would never fill that kind of longing you have as a woman, a career will never fill it, nor would children and wealth. This desire can only be filled with God.

God is for you, it’s funny how many Christians have been in this walk but never fully get to cultivate an intimate relationship with God, we are so content in just doing what is right, what is acceptable and move on from there, we are comfortable worshipping a little, praising a little, giving a little not knowing that those things are secondary, What God really longs and desires for is intimacy with us, He desires to whisper in your ears, He desires for you to acknowledge Him in your life, He desires to bless you , He desires to lead you to the perfect plan and purpose that He has set out for your life since the beginning. God desires you and that’s why he has your name in the palm of His hand, God loves to love you because God is love! God wants you; He yearns to fellowship with you. The bible states in exodus 34:14 Our God is a jealous God.

Exodus 20:3-4 says you shall have no other gods before me; you shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. Most often than not we think that the gods referred here are other religions or have this mental picture of shrines and witchcraft and all, but by gods the bible simply states anything that hinders your fellowship, relations, intimacy with God is a god, it might me a spouse, a job, a car, sex, money, your pride, anything that you elevate or have a high regard towards, anything that takes first place in your life is a god period! let me remind you of something you have heard of over and over, God loved us so much that He gave his only son to die for our sins, not only did Jesus die for us to be free of sin but He reconciled us to God, Jesus opened the lines of communication between us and God so that we no longer have to go through the priest or the pastor or any other religious leader. We don’t need to sacrifice by killing a goat or a ram or anything for us to communicate and commune with God. We can freely go to His presence and talk to Him, and He talks back.

I don’t know about you, but I hungered and I searched and longed for so much more, and after searching and seeking I have come to the point of understanding that it’s okay, it’s alright because God is ready to fulfill this desire, Psalm 42: 1-2 David sings, as the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God, My soul thirst for God, for the living God, where can I go and meet with God? A lot of people admit to wanting to be men and women after God’s own heart just like David but the sad thing is they don’t want to do the work, any kind of relationship requires work, effort, giving, adjusting and so many other things, it just doesn’t happen, God did not just sit one day and decide to say that David was a man after His heart, but He saw how David took it upon himself to pursue Him, to learn about Him, to get to know Him, to talk and walk with Him, David would do something and before he questions what others would say he would quickly run to God to beg for forgiveness, He would do things that pleased God, He would listen and obey God, For a man who fell so many times David knew he could not do life without God, he needed him, wanted him, yearned for him. And day by day he found God and communed with Him.

Satisfaction is our greatest desire and I want nothing more than all of us to be fully satisfied in this life, but there is no greater joy than a satisfied, content woman in God. A man will never fill this void in your life, that’s the harsh truth, period! No amount of money or sex can, because a man wasn’t meant to in the first place, he can only sweep you off your feet for a few hours or a few days but God, He is timeless, He is always there, and no matter what comes your way, you can just run to Him and you will be safe.

I challenge you to go ahead and spend time with God, read His word, circle His promises in the bible and pray, pray like your life depended on it because it does, but at the same time be keen to listen as He responds. It is not a one off thing because again like any other relationship, you work on it, it’s a daily decision you make to pursue God. Woman to woman, the truth is I am still learning, I am being filled and met one need at a time. He is molding me to be the woman that He created me to be. Our God is love and He desires to love us more each day, fill us every day if only we allowed Him.

Ciku Ndungu

different is GOOD

Five years ago today I would have told you liverpools score,liverpools best scorer, liverpools scoring trend for the year even. you all know that they just won the carling cup today and as Kevo put it….they just earned themselves 6 years of braging rights! You see 5 years ago I would have a conversation with you about hiphop. talk about dre,eminen, and lacrae. Locally holy dave was hitting the airwaves and hitting em good! 5 years ago I knew about cars too much info for a woman I tell you, which car had what engine size its capacity and some other details that I really can’t remember right now.you see five years ago ciku was in love.

Fast forward five years later I can’t remember some of those things,heck I can’t even sit through a game of football unless its man u and arsenal and I need to make some few friends miserable. They know themselves. I can’t remember jack about cars and hiphop well apart from a few songs by lacrae the rest just doesn’t make much sense to me! You see being in love can make you do crazy things but the worst that I have come to discover apart from compromising, is loosing your identity.

As a woman you are born bearing your name and your fathers name. You get married you pick up your husbands name,get your first baby you get their name (insert mama Brian here). Now before you all fast forward to comment and start posting let me make this clear,I have no problem with this process. Whether you want to have your fathers name,or take up your husbands name,hyphenated or underscored its you and your husbands choice. Whether you end up being known as mama Brian or mama çhege is completely and interly up to you.

My main concern is the art of impressing the pains we go through to impress. Let’s be honest ladies, how many of us actually enjoy football? How many love sports? Cars? Hiphop? Motorbikes? Hiking? You know guy stuff? And before you preach to me about how one is supposed to take initiative to like and find out what the other person likes and shares in their experience which I totally agree and endorse 100% so no argument here. I believe its healthy and recommended that as people date or relate get to know and be involved in each others fun activities,hobbies ,past time etc. But the big problem in our relationships today is that this only happens one way.

Generally as women whether we care to admit or not, but speaking from my own past experiences and those of my friends we tend to loose ourselves in a relationship. actually one of my male friends put it this way. “it is sad that you meet a woman who you get attracted to, and as you get to know them,their likes and dislikes,their hobbies and interests,beliefs and you get to share your own. Your thrilled by the diversity between the two,your excited about knowing her,discovering things about her but a few months down the line all you mostly talk about is what the guy likes,his beliefs quickly turn to be yours and the uniqueness that actually brought you together in the first place no longer exists.

I had always been alarmed at how easily and fast I got bored in a relationship. Its like a 3-6 months honeymoon phase and after that I couldn’t wait to get out! I mean before a relationship I had my own set of values,beliefs,interests,hobbies,adventures,tales and so much more! But after a relationship its like I lost all that. Their likes,became the things I liked, what they hated I hated, I was so caught up in hobbies and interests that really I had no heart for! After a while your opinion really doesn’t count even in a conversation because this person knows that you will agree with them in everything. I am generally a very opinionated person, but I sucked at it when in a relationship. I would always look at something from their point of view. You know ,either because your not in the mood to have an argument or you just playing stupid and that really cost me. I said yes or maybe to things I strongly believed were wrong, was I forced to do so? No. I guess I was just in love and dint want to complicate things or argue,you know how small arguments can blow out of propotion? But was I really doing the right thing by me?

I know generally women we like to be associated with, but it doesn’t mean we loose ourselves. We are unique a rare breed. Men and women were created differently for a purpose,to play different roles in society and in families but that doesn’t warrant us loosing our identity as individuals. It doesn’t mean once you are in a relationship or married you forget the things that bring you joy,the silly little things that make you laugh, the simple things that move your heart, the exciting that’s that pump your soul! God’s mathematics is that one person will join to another to make one and together we will nurture the gifts,talents and abilities that God has uniquely given unto us. Let’s stop this nonsense of being so wrapped around a guys world that we forget our own. That we forget to live that we forget to give.

Let’s celebrate the deferences in our relationships and instead of them tearing us apart let them bring us together. If he likes climbing mountains and you have no heart for it be honest. You can maybe try it as an experience, because all that pain and sweat up to the mountain top ain’t pretty. If you like me, love reading. Go on ahead read and share some revelation or quotes with him. You see,you still get to do what you love and still share it with him. Life goals are very important in our lives, currently I only have 50 but I want to expand that list,and the only way I can achieve this life goals is if I plan and actually go for them. Imagine if I had a boyfriend who had his list as well. I get so caught up in him and the things that he wants to accomplish that I end up ticking half of his list of goals accomplishments instead of mine! Sad doesn’t even begin to describe it. At some point you will end up resenting this person.

As you live this single life, nail down what you stand for,what your values are, what your beliefs are so that you don’t get swayed or caught up by events. For the guys in a relationship, I say celebrate your differences. Rediscover each other,ask those questions again and see if your both living life and accomplishing what God put you on earth to do. Some of this interests and hobbies we have are not just for us to keep and enjoy on our own, some are given to us to share and encourage other people around us all for the glory of God.

If you like to watch the moon go ahead and do it,to walk to write,to sing,to dance,to talk and laugh out loud….whatever crazy thing be you and let God Use you to give into the other persons life something different, something unique and something beautiful.

Ciku Ndungu

Till my dying day

When I was born some 27 years ago, I dint know how my life would turn out. You see our parents have all this expectations for us, to be doctors, nurses, pilots ,teachers just but mentioning the common ones during my day, well this days the list is completely opposite parents have embraced the arts “ as a career path for their children, now they are okay with their children being models, actor and actresses, singers, painters, and so on…..

well I never got to really choose what I wanted to do because I dint do so well in my high school exams and if you live in Kenya, I can assure you primary and high school grades haunt you for the rest of your life, if you pass the exams you had better chances to go to a great college, do a great course and land a good job, woe unto you if you failed ! Chances of the great college, course and career were but a dream. And let’s not forget the fact that you dint have a say in whatever else life handed you after that, some parents decide you are a waste of their time and resources so they channel their money someplace else, as you try and figure out your next step, maybe wanugu the scrap metal dealer might have a gig for you, and vuala that’s what your life amounts to.

If you are lucky your parents will take you to a local college where computer course is the first thing you will learn, then find something else to do, they are eager to see you do any course get a job and leave them to tend for yourself, they might never say it aloud but secretly they can”t be more loud. Take for example, I did fairly in my high school exams but flopped math, the other day I was talking to a group of young people and I mentioned the grade I got and you should have seen some of the looks I got, a lady talked to me afterwards and confessed that she failed in math too and have never gotten over it ! I mean is it that serious??

Back to my story, so yes I failed math so pursuing law was out of the question, my second choice was hotel management but dad wasn’t enthusiastic about having a waiter for a daughter…don’t even ask !! After several discussions with mum I went to do a computer course for several months then enrolled at the Mombasa polytechnic to do a sales and marketing diploma. I wasn’t that syked about it for a while but the prospect of me getting a job and moving out of home motivated me to go on…

As the years went by I did exactly that go through college, got a job and vamuused out of my parents house, the freedom at first was great!!! lived with some roommates who were crazy and had the fun of my life, later moved to my own place and got serious with my career but several jobs later, several promotions later I started questioning if that was all to it ? I mean think about it, are we really born to just go to school, eat, drink, sleep and go to work?? No I am not mourning over not becoming a lawyer, but I mourn over not finding my purpose in this world sooner. Not taking chances and living my life, not really fully getting to know myself, abilities, and talents, not spending time with the right people and working in the right relationships.

As we come to the end of the year I want us to reflect on a few things, How we have lived our lives so far and what changes we need to make so that when we finally come face to face with death in our last days on earth we will have no regrets, we wont be mourning about what we did and dint do.I know most of us life has handed us our fair share od lemons and it has not been easy making lemonades but remember this far God has brought us.

I came across this blog through a friend and it opened my eyes to a lot of things…..bronnie ware, read her blog here(www.inspirationandchai.com) has worked in palliative care for many years and in those years as she cared for the people who had one week or two weeks to live something’s we so hold dear were the last things in their minds…..the fights we choose became irrelevant, the grades we got in school and the jobs and positions we hold are not that important.

In their dying weeks when questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

My challenge to you as we end the year, don’t write resolutions which you and I both know will never keep but make choices which you will want to see through. Live life, laugh out loud ! be kind and generous, find out your purpose but most important of all love all people as you love yourself.

Happy holidays !!

ciku

Mzungu !!! -my foreign queens

She held back her tears, yet her pain is something she could not hide, the body has a language of its own it can give away our thoughts and feelings without us uttering a word. Her pain so deep, my ears was the only thing I could offer her right now.

It’s not the first time a beautiful white skinned, long glassy haired and blue, brown eyed queen had come to me broken, afraid, rejected, bruised and stained. Each time I felt like judas, each time, I prayed that I would not be around to face them. A coward!! Yes a coward that’s what I had been.

I knew he dint love her, I knew he was using her, I knew he was married with 3 kids, I knew…Yes I knew but I never once said anything to her…I never once questioned or warned her, I left her to her fate… “Hey it doesn’t affect me in any way! Besides it wasn’t my business” I would excuse it, “and besides this white women never listen! She might think I am after her man or something”…I concluded. But the day she found out that I her confidant knew, she dint go to him but came to me, asking me, begging me, screaming at me. Her Judas…her betrayer

As Mary screamed that day I couldn’t help but feel I had failed her, I had betrayed our friendship as she vowed to never set foot in Kenya again…a woman whose every October was spent in one of the most respected hotels in Mombasa had no respect for my country any more nor for its male species. She made it her quest to ensure that every woman she knew would hear her story but I guessed some months down the line she saw it pointless because the same thing happened all over again with her friend, or maybe it was too painful and shameful to share. In some weird way I drew comfort for the fact that they were both not saved, and maybe it was a punishment so some sort, how pathetic…

If you have ever lived or visited the coastal environs of Mombasa you would see them, all lovey dovey interracial couples walking the streets, strolling the beach, sharing drinks, holding hands, wining and dining and generally having the time of their lives! Many are stories behind these relationships, a hook up from a friend, a random meeting in a club, a good worker in a hotel or the most common feigning to be a maasai warrior….goodness haven’t I seen it all.

Having worked previously in the hotel industry and noting the difference between two male friends, one dating a mzungu, yet they already were married with children and to see how these guys skimmed and plotted on how to use the beautiful white skinned queens to gain wealth and acquire positions through lies and fake medical bills and documents of every kind.

When I met Leeann and Ivy a few years later after mars incident, I hesitated in sharing my fears with them because they were dating some decent saved brothers that I knew, but as months went on I could sense in my spirit that it wasn’t all well. So as the ladies got to confide in me I realized that it was the same pattern with Mary, I told them about Mary but they sort of shrugged it off since they believed that the guys they were dating would do them no harm, I tried pointing the same patterns but they wouldn’t hear any of it, so I sort of let it go. Needless to say the guys were not pleased in my meddling.

Several years later ivy got married and Leeann got engage and my worst fears were confirmed. As Leeann was busy planning the wedding, our so-called brother was busy spending her money, buying the latest clothes and hitting the latest joints. The final nail to that scenario is when she finally found out that he had a baby that he had never told her about, and that for all those years he had an affair behind her back, all this time, his friends knew but none uttered a word.

Ivy did eventually get married and moved to the states with her hubby sad to say their union only lasted a year, once he got there he dint need her anymore, he not only assaulted her, but emotionally toured her till she couldn’t take it anymore.

‘What manner of men are these?’ was the question that went through my mind, ‘Who never did anything for themselves?’ ‘Who calculated, plotted and preyed on our light skinned sisters only to dispose of them once they get to where they want?…I battled with this questions.

I now ask myself… ‘What can I do about it?’

Do you know of someone in a similar position? Same scenario? What are you doing about it or planning to do?

Least to say I am disgusted by what my brothers did, and what they still continue to do. Is a life in the states worth wasting 5 years for in a fake relationship with someone, lying, skimming, stealing, deceiving, and destroying someone else’s future? And worse still, sometimes the African wives or girlfriends know about the affairs but opt to keep quiet and reap the benefits i.e. the nice house, nice clothes, jewelry, local holidays and money…money that neither you nor your husband/boyfriend worked for.

What happened to our conscious? Where did our integrity go? Have we stooped this low, I used to think this was only done by the beach boys that hung around in hotels, but now it has crept into our back yards, our churches yet we still keep quite about it. Who is bold enough to say the truth? Who is bold enough to stand when the pastor asks; ‘is there anyone who has reason why this man and this woman should not be together?’

Think about it, right now it could be just our other sisters going through this, but next time it just might you.

All my love

ciku

What i want in a man and what i wish men knew….

This is an article i did for an online mag back in the day, for all my brothers out there…

Dan’s article came at the right time for me since it’s only the other day that I was actually thinking and trying to put down on paper on what I really want in a man and some things that I wished men knew about women. Honestly, I don’t think we are as complicated as men make us out to be. It may be true most of the times we are not sure of what we want but when we finally figure it out, it’s too late and we are already in a relationship that’s heading neither here nor there….

So here goes. These are my personal thoughts, most-probably shared by sisters around the world.

I love a man who knows God. Not one who knows about God. Yes, there is a difference: A man who knows God is one who can believe with you that rent is going to be paid at the end of the month even when he has no hope of a job and nowhere to borrow money. He has a relationship with God and believes and has seen God come through for him even in the most difficult and hopeless of times… he believes that prayer works. There is humility in this man since he recognizes One who is greater than him, therefore he treats his family and all human beings with respect and dignity.

I love a man who is honest, not only with the little things but with the huge stuff as well. What I don’t know will come to hurt me someday, so you thinking “I can keep this from her since she might get hurt” is not a good move. If you love me and are planning to spend the rest of your life with me, you owe it to me to be honest about your past or anything else you think I should not know. Believe me I won’t understand and celebrate with you for hiding children you had out of wedlock, or debts that you accumulated over the years when we are already married. Women take betrayal seriously. We may forgive but we will always remember, and earning our trust again will take a lot of time.

I love a man who can listen. I, like many women, love to talk!!! If you are keen enough, I say a lot of important stuff when am talking or narrating a movie I saw, so just don’t dismiss me thinking I am just mumbling. We tend not to be direct sometimes – hey, we like you and don’t want to hurt your feelings but instead of not saying anything, we will say it with gifts or gestures, eg if you have worn this shirt for too long, I will go out and buy you a shirt as a gift! I will buy you a cologne if the one you’re using always chokes me when I hug you, smelling nice is very important, please get the hint! But when push comes to shove we will lay it on the table and we expect you to consider our views and input.

We already have a bunch of insecure women in the world; why do you have your arm around me and your eyes on some other woman? It’s funny – when am committed I have my eyes on you only!

A man who can make me laugh and play with me – snakes and ladders, or teaching me monopoly, stealing jokes from Google and paraphrasing them to his own liking… I’m game!! I want to see you loosen up; you’re my friend first so having fun shouldn’t be such a doting task.

The things I wish men knew.

When you break up with someone please take time and get over it. Jumping to another relationship is a bomb waiting to explode. When you do move on, give the new girl a chance, She is nothing like your ex, so stop with the comparing and contrasting.

Stop with the gestures!! “I LOVE YOU!” Those words mean a lot more to me than a shopping spree in Paris or a holiday in the Bahamas (Fungua roho yako, ONGEA!).

I know it might sound like a double standard, but honestly the gestures women give are more obvious and being a woman myself, every gesture i give has a meaning behind it. A man will pass near a market and buy you a handbag just because he saw a nice handbag, while a woman will buy a man a certain kind of shirt to say, “Man, I think you need to try something different,” or “This shirt will look great on him!”

With men, it’s just all mixed up! A man might ask you out and have you thinking, “Wow, he likes me, or he wants to know me,” only for you to find out .that he was plotless or he just didn’t want to go to the movies alone, or his friend stood him up so he decided to call you!

Not all women are after your money! Relax!! And me offering to pay for dinner or lunch doesn’t make you less of a man, or it doesn’t mean I’m trying to show you that I’m independent. I just want to treat my man as well.

I’m tired of my brothers using the visual creature excuse on us, a thousand centauries later. Please. You are the man, you’re in control, zip it!! And on the same note, stop ogling at me as if am a piece of meat you want to eat!

When I tell you that I need to think about it, whether it’s a date or asking to go exclusive, please give me the time and space to do so. I just don’t want to make you another statistic.

If you like me, or don’t like me, spare me the mixed signals and coded messages …because if I already like you I will interpret it to my benefit…so do the right thing, COMMUNICATE!!!

Again, we don’t like being rejected but the earlier you tell us where this “friendship” is headed, the less painful it is. So stop stringing us along, we don’t want to be knitted if we won’t be worn.

Before I met you, I had and still have friends who are guys, don’t expect me to stop taking their calls or meeting them because they were always there for me. I placed boundaries with my male friends so I don’t expect your female friends to be all over you either.

Wanjiku Ndungu

soul tie.

There are many things that freak me out when it comes to marriage,and for the longest time i always thought it was the cooking bit he he, no i will not get into that because i think at some point you will all start connecting the dots.last time i revealed my house was a zoo….well i have never gotten over it ! , so as the images were coming off this past month (those attending icc-msa, would relate to this).
I started noting down the things that really did scare me about this beautiful covenant that God created for a man and a woman,since am being real and everything the main one that really came out was sex, yes sex……

You see i have been around for a very long while and have been exposed to all sort of things, from sex to ponography,mastubation,oral sex and the list goes on, and on and one thing i can tell you is that as sure as the sun rises every morning i can remember my experiences with the men i have been with. With some its been years but the act of sex,or forms of plesure, or self gratification is still fresh in my mind because in one way or the other i am tied to them.I would ask myself if i were to get married how will sex be between my huband and i (or is it me and my husband ?? #Tunde help !) will he satisfy me sexually?? Will he be better than Chris or Alvin or does he know that little trick that Peter does ? imagine lying in your husband or wife’s arms but your thoughts are scattered to 2-10 souls depending on the number of men you have been intimate with, for some it was never sex but just oral sex…sex is sex whether oral,mastabation…dont kid yourself.or the number of model or ponographic materials you have been watching through the years.

The bible in the book of ephesians 5:31 says ,” For this reason shall a man leave his father and mother and shall be joined unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh. What this verse says in plain language is that the coming together or the joining together of a man and woman in marriage is sealed in the act of sex. Hence becoming one flesh! So please do an exercise with me, and note down all the men or women you have ever been intimate with. As far as Ephesians goes you have been married to all of them. Now please tell me how this man who is supposed to spend the rest of their life with you has a chance at doing exactly that, if your still have all this soul’s tied to you. This verse in the bible for me it speaks not only about a joining together of two bodies in the flesh but in the spirit as well.

Soul ties can be in this other form that we rarely discuss, “just friends” let me elaborate with a story, I had known (let’s call him Joe) for like 2 years, we were introduced by a mutual friend of ours, we never got to hang out often because we lived in different towns, but that dint stop us from talking everyday on the phone, texting back and forth,emails and literally discussing each and every detail of our lives, I poured my heart out to my Joe and he was someone I could depend on, no matter what for 4 years I have known Joe and we have never been physical, don’t get me wrong he was attractive but what we had was more. So I knew this was a friendship to last. A couple of years later he started dating and so did I and we would talk about the people we were currently with and just how in one way or the other they dint understand our friendship, but all this came crumbling down one day when he told me that his girlfriend was pregnant, being honest and all I was devastated, I mean I couldn’t understand it, how could he have sex with this woman? We had a bond stronger than anything, he was the one I could tell everything, share everything, laugh with, be silly with, he felt my pain, my joy shared in my frustrations, he knew my highs and lows, but now he was tied to another I was confused..I thought he was a soul mate, I thought…

Let me tell you several things that soul ties do :-

It hinders our ability to receive. In other words, the affection that is being given to us by any other person besides the one our soul is tied to does not appear to reach our heart. I never could understand how two people could be in a relationship without being intimate, i mean for me that was plain rejection !

- A soul tie limits your giving. Even though we give all our heart, we have only a portion to give. You can only give what’s yours to give. A divided soul does not affect your giving, but it does affect how much you have to give.

-It hinders us from trusting people,or starting over with someone new because we are comfortable with where we were and whom we were with and how they made us feel.

-It hinders us from living in the present and enjoying marriage or forms of intimacy with other people.we are always comparing, or in the back of our mind thinking so and so would have done this and that or knew exactly which buttons to push..

So allow me to ask you this,how many have there been ?? what experiences or memories are you going to bring in your marriage bed ?? how can we break free from this soul ties to ensure that we come into a marriage union with no sexual babbage or soul ties.

Three ways that i am learning break this soul ties

In the spirit : this is by confessing of the sinful relationship , repentance and breaking of the soul tie. They say the first step to freedom is admitting there is a problem , so ackowldge the soul ties and ask God who freely offers his forgiveness to do so.

In the soul : this is where its hard i tell you, but i have gone as far as ceasing communication with the people i have had a soul tie with, i have prayed for them, accepted forgivenes from God and forgave them and let go.

In the body : A new covenant needs to be made, a secondary virginity is something that people choose to do and start over, but you need to constantly remember that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit as God to to renew you mind,spirit and soul. Your flesh is never saved lets be honest so be careful about what you watch,what you read, your conversations least they lead you in temptation.

Gifts and stuff, that i got in my previous relationships or ties, i have choose to let them go, no matter how expensive. I have given them away and some things i have buried completely.i dont need a reminder because i want a new beginning.

For my friends reading this that are yet to travel down this road, i only have this to tell you “Young women of Jerusalem, swear to me that you will not awaken love or arouse love before its proper time. Songs of solomon 8:4

Ask yourself, are you ready to let go ?

Much love
ciku

Outsourced…

Hi everyone. I know ,i know its been a few weeks since i wrote, i totally blame,the honey glazed chicken, kinanda fest and seeing a guy down on one knee . see even you totally understand, derailment 101 !, i would have done some serious posts here if i was not on a certain unmentioned cloud after an episode of twirling around under the stars ! see what guys make us do. Anyway after weeks of detox am here, ok let me get to the post already.

So after attending a beautiful wedding a few weeks ago ,i sort of got into panic mode, no. not the ones that ohh my friends are all getting married and there are no men in the horizon, not the biological clock is ticking and my babies would confuse me for grandma instead of mum,, not even the 60/40 ratio of men to women bothers me anymore, but as the couple rode off to the sunset the question of how well do they know each other came to mind, weird right ? but follow me on this,

You meet a guy say in church or a restaurant or even at a work function, actually let me bring it closer to home, meeting on facebook or twitter ,see now your interested he he he….so yes you meet, maybe even exchange numbers on the first day, he calls after a few days and you go out for coffee,or ice cream and you get to chat , get to know one anothers likes and dislikes, some even fast forward to dreams ,hopes and ambitions on the first date, and with the era of social media, some of these things are gotten over with online, by the time you actually meet you preety much know what you want. So there you have it, more coffee dates ,lunch dates,meet my friends date,double dates,meet my family dates and after what seems like a whirlwind romance he goes down to one knee,and as niency nash of clean house would say BAM !! .

Engagement, the ooooosss’and aaaa’sss from family and friends, then comes the fairtale wedding and you all live happly ever after NOT ! why you ask ? well you forgot to tell him about the bit that you hate doing laundry , or the fact that you cant cook ! oh let me not forget that your organization skills are zero and all those discussions about world trading, the constitution and man u being your favourate football team were all well, calling a spade a spade, A LIE. You see am not judging you, i mean what choice did you have ? He loves football, watched the damn thing every time its on telly and it was the only way you could get to spend more time with him, am not sure if it was time you wanted to spend or warnings you wanted to send to the ladies around him, dont even get me started on the constitution ! spending comparing different constitutions to urge point like It happened throughout the 1960s and, of course, in the 1970s there was the Constitution Commission, headed by HOB Wooding. In the late 1980s, there was the Constitution Commission under Sir Isaac Hyatali. The most recent renaissance of this discussion is traced back to 2006 when “The Principles of Fairness Committee,” led by Tajmool Hosein, circulated a draft constitution. A few months later, Sir Ellis Clarke, at the request of the Prime Minister, produced a document as well and …and …and what??? dont get me wrong but if that thing dint interest you…and what about world trading , my Russian Export Blend Crude Oil (REBCO) financial futures contract, on the CME Globex(R) electronic trading platform and the ClearPort(R) electronic clearing and trading platform, beginning November 23 for trade date November 24. Haki my head just hurt reading that.

We live in a world where we put up images of ourselves for others to see, are there any real people out there ? am i real ? is who i say i am, the real me or am i different in my deeds, yesterday ‘s sermon asked a very interesting question who are you when everyone is watching ?? if your work mates, church friends and social circle were put together in the same room would they describe you the same way ?? We live in an era where everyone one is trying to impress, the latest car,bigger house, better school, better this and that forgetting that its so easy to be ourselves and that this images we put across cost us so much to maintain, i mean look at the the divorce rate in kenya its so high on the rise , actually the only thing that is minimising it is are the expensive legal costs, but people still opt to separate and go their different ways, Because after a year or two of marriage the man looks at you and honestly tells you , your not the woman i married,.

You see when he married you , you painted this picture of yourself, you gave him this image,please indulge me, your from work ,hurry home, he comes over for dinner in your house and everything, and i mean everything is sparkling clean, organized, nothing out of place ! he figures, since he is not such an organizer well you will compliment him , you have dinner, literally serve him and his heart just melts , i mean this woman !! after your done with dinner you insist to do the dishes, apparently you dont like leaving dirty dishes overnight, so you clean and sit back , all made up and you chat him up until he lives. This happens almost the same way in the course of your courtship. Your his home maker, some women even go to the extent of going over to the guys house on the weekend to clean up the house, dishes,laundy the works. And for some crazy reason after marriage they expect this man to understand that the dont like doing laundry ? they cant cook ? they cant keep a clean house day in day out ? the cant carry a conversation on the constitution let alone the curent happenings in the country, yes this is not the woman he married.What about the mini skirted,long weave,fake nails, 6inch heels !! His trophy wife, now all you do is wear flats,spend all day in your pjs and stockings and last months weave, imean your married now, you no longer want to go for all those social functions that you loved dressing up for. Life happened i guess.

In my panic i talked to afew couples and came to realise how a huge deal discusing the little things and honesty really is in a relationship, ladies lets not tell of who we want to be but who we are now, let someone know you for who you are, i mean i think am preety little thing , not always put together but the other day someone said i was predictable but what you might not know is that my house is a zoo ! there are many things i dont like doing, nah i wont make them public, but like christine and bob one of the couples i talked to , the whole point of being you and being honest over what you can and cant do, helps both of you come to a compromise of some sorts, take for example christine is not a big fun of laundry so early on they decided they would outsource this service and therefore every Tuesday a sally, or mary comes does the laundry, cleans the house and for a small fee everyone is happy ! peter and linda love each other but linda and the kitchen well….they dont get along so well, so every Saturday afternoon peris comes over ensures that beans,maize,peas are all boiled and packed in the fridge not forgetting her husbands favourte meal, chapatis, a week supply of food is sorted and everyone is again, happy !! It’s dangerous to be like somebody else… If God wanted you to be like someone else,He would have given you what He gave them, right ?

I Guess all am saying is Image is nothing,Real is everything –Edward Munene

Love you girls
Wanjiku Ndungu

I want more…

Do you know the way your mind is programmed in that when you get into the house there is that one thing that you do. Well mine is switching on the lights, i am actually learning how to differentiate between day and night because thats where my fingers automatically go everytime i unlock my door.
Imagine me getting home after a very crazy day,exausted after having dealt with 25 distributors,and phone call after phone call all giving excuses about why they are sell- out is low,rallying up the sales team to meet the days target,getting off work at 5pm and rushing through traffic to get to class and for two hours listening to a lecture telling you how skill of listening is so important and how to sieve every conversation.listening is important and it mostly helps in guiding a patient to Self discovery all the while your mind wonders back and forth, songs playing in your head, conversation being replayed earlier at the office canteen,and you ask yourself why you are here ? your tired, you cant focus, you cant wait for the class to end, then you imagine the traffic jam that awaits you, then it hits you, you have not eaten…yet the lecturer talks some more and you just want to scream and run out of the class room not to ever set foot there again coz whats the point ? you already have a a great job,great family and friends, you actually have a life ! so why put yourself under so much pressure in a class that will take you two years to complete…darn ! you want to curse at someone throw something …..Then you remember the real reason why your there, you want to help, you wat to make a difference in your generation, you want something different for your children and children’s children…but the real reason is , its your calling. Its what God has called you to do , His will for your life, to listen to others and help them find their way.

Sitting straight in class you begin to nod as the lecture is about to finish, knowing that tomorrow is going to be better because you have been reminded why your doing this, why you are on earth, so you get home still tired but hopeful as you stretch your hand to find the switch and put on the light, nothing….total darkness…silence…..kplc dint keep their end of the bargain. Thats how that week had been trying to find the sense of why we were together, why there was total darkness, why there was only silence as we took that long walk to the bus station.an hour before we tried small talk, nothing….then a touch of the hand here, a peak there, a a hold of the waist and a kiss….hoping agaisnt all hope that i would find something worth fighting for…something worth keeping, a memory or feeling that would keep us going till we figure this out but..nothing…darkness..silence….is there anything more ? anything more i can give anything more i can get out of this relationship ? why i am in this relationship i asked myself…

I wonder if other women have been here before, a place where you asked yourself if there was any more you can give anything more a guy can discover about you,anything more that he can know about you ? dont we all dread it ? that one day he will wake up or realise that there is nothing else in the relationship to make him stay, nothing new about you to discover. We leave in an era of casual dating , casual romance, casual sex…everything is so casual , so we end up giving it all up ! I am sad to say we as christians have embraced this in church as well, i know many of us have heard of the term “musical chairs” where a young guy has dated half of the worship team, or the choir have interdated, from one choir member to another, the extreme of this relationship well no one can tell. But all i know is that both women and men are left wonded and broken, they move from church to church seeking a peace and hiding from the shame and the mess.

Can i demand more ? from my future husband whoever he is, i will no longer date just because, I will no longer kiss around or flirt or dress in such a way that provokes or draws attention to me, A woman body is created to bring God glory, 1 Cor 6:19-20 says Do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, whom is in you, whom you have received form God? You are not your own ; you were bought at a price, therefore honour God with your body.

Ladies lets be honest Don’t we all long and desire for a man to know us deeply, to know us from the inside not just the physical beauty but for him to know our desires, our dreams, our potential, capabilities……For a man who is like Christ one who loves you so much that he would lay down his life for you, a man who’s sees in us a love he cannot do without ? a man who does not insist on separating sex fromm marriage ? that the respect and love he has for you runs deeper that his attraction or actions, that his intentions are clear and pure towards you, have we lost this breed of warriors,tender hearted poets in our generation ? have we lost this man who would bring you before the Lord and leave you at the altar to go make right what is not, a man you would respect and look up to, a man you could ask to pray for you instead of going to your pastor !
I no longer want half baked promises,tight hugs,i no longer want to hang, out just because i have nothing to do, or have free time i will no longer settle for the crumbs under the table, no more almost sessions of coming close,or almost dating or almost mating.Ladies God created relationships to last, bonds to be made, covenants not to be broken, yet 90% of us have been in more than one relationship,after another, seeking , chasing,experimenting ,searching. For what ? I am not really sure. All I know is that we are ticking time bombs waiting to explode.

The divorce rate has gone high, children are torn between parents and mummy’s boyfrend and daddy’ latest catch, is this what we want for our kids ? marriages hitting rock bottom because of mastibation ? porn ? sex ? homosexuality ? is it worth it ? to get married and start comparing your husband to so and so…. to ruin God’s most sacred, most precious union, IS IT WORTH IT ? if only women knew their worth, knew the plans that God has for their lives, this precious jewels who sell themselves so short by being stuck and sucked in the world standards of happyness,fun and romance. Please remember this anytime you want to say yes to that date, or hug that brother close,or flirt with him on line excusing it as just casual ,Casual often times leads to Casualties……Ladies we serve the author of TIME !

Can God look down at our generation and find women who are totally sold out for Him or who are waiting on Him, who are set apart and those that trust Him to make all things beautiful at His time….If we trust God with our jobs,finances,health,family and friends why is so hard for us to trust Him with our heart ? with our relationships ? our desires ? something a friend said this sunday has stuck and to be honest makes perfect sense that, We are not a museum that people would come to just look at, touch and disappear-shiku karue.

Wanjiku Ndungu

A woman defined-Purity where did i leave you ?

He told me, he loved me, wanted to marry me, have babies with me..spend the rest of his life with me,We were both christians, So from early on we had set boundaries, and it worked fine for as long as i can remember until the other day when he came over to my place, came closer to my space and held me, how long i had waited for that kind of embrace only God knows, i longed to be his wife, to be one with him in mind ,body and soul…as he held me, and drew me close his eyes staring deeply into my soul i knew i wanted more….our fingers interlocked and i dint want to let go ! In the back of my mind i heard a gentle whisper say no, but my mind had alreay been made up, my body had already sealed my fate, my desires and expectations were sky rocket high,He said it was ok, everyone was doing it, and besides i was scared to let him go because someone else would give him what i could not… there was no turning back, All the sunday lessons flooded my mind, my pastors words played around in my head, my mums eyes..her beautiful eyes were staring,a look of dissapointment, but there was no turning back, i wanted this, we wanted this , we could do this, then everything ..everything would go back to normal…..

Its been several years since i last saw him, the disgust on his face still haunts me, he has moved on to another you see…and so have i, only this time it was just not to one other, but to many others….searching to gain back that feeling, that longing that happy girl who once believed that sex was meant for marriage, that intimacy belonged to two who were united. Now a shadow is all i remained, i had a piece of memory from chris,peter,jack,john,phillip and who else i cant remember….my body has grown numb and evrytime i lay there i lie to myself that i will fake it like a guy, but my tears later when he dresses up and leaves me remind me that I am a woman, relationship after relationships without gurantees or responsbilities.

We live in a generation where sex has became so casual, PURITY WHERE DID I LEAVE YOU ? Is it possible for me to go back and regain all i have lost, all i have given up ? what is happening in our generation today ? has sex, an act that God created sollemly for a man and woman who are joined together in a sacred union became so casual ? is it easy to just lay there and 5 minutes later walk away without a glance or remorse of some sort.We read the news and 80% of women are intoduced to sex everyday below the age of 10. it grieves me that their flower is given up, its petals plucked out so early without a choice, But what about us who grew up or have learned knowing the right time an place for sex ?

How long will you give in to your boyfriends demnds in order for him to stay, how long will you lay it down to hide your insecutities and shame…how long will my tears last to regain what i lost…how long, please tell me how long ? dont judge me, wipe that disgust off your face, you let him touch you and caress you and you think thats ok ? well thats where it al begins little girl…thats where it all begins.

Is SEX worth waiting for ?is purity lost in this generation ? how can we get it back ? do we have writters out there to wirte about it ? can i please get role models to live it ? pleaase give me a preacher to preach it and let mothers and sister and pastors wives talk about it ?

PURITY WHERE DID I LIVE YOU ?.

I am starting a revolution, a generation who are totally sold out for Christ, a generation who will say WE WILL WAIT ! a generation of purity, a woman defined.

I am going to rebel because Rebellion is no longer drinking, smoking and having sex because that is already famous. Rebellion is living right, being pure in a generation already lost!!! With that Said LETS REBEL!!! -Bernard Rwenji

for my generation
Wanjiku Ndungu

I will wait for you..

Something that made march, well march ! happy birthday to me.Listen and wait !

blessings

Wanjiku Ndungu