I know what your thinking! Nah… honestly i dont, for those who read one of the notes in search of a father well this is a continuation of sorts ….
I woke up that morning with no joy or peace in my heart, the events of the past week were nothing to write home about, i felt ashamed,angry and could’nt stand myself…questions of does God still love me? How does he view me now? What is wrong with me! Dint i know better. again what was i thinking! Its hard asking yourself all this questions without getting any answers kinda makes it worse actually……
Lets give him a name and call him …’peter, so peter and i were friends very close but not dating or anything we enjoyed each others company, nothing was demanded from either of us and it was just good having someone that i could talk to. You know the kinda guy where no strings are attached just great,hang out and all…so we had been “hanging out” for a couple of months and it was great until this day we were at a party and decided to crash at his place. I mean we had been around each other for sometime and the boundaries were clear but like they say sometimes its the lack of opportunity that holds us from doing somethings. So this was an opportunity and as we were watching this love story from an old movie we began to cuddle and joke around and next thing i was kissing him. I stopped at some point and started crying,fuuny huh! telling him how wrong it was and that it should never happen again.After a weeks it happened again and i dint have anything to yell about coz clearly i would look dumb saying one thing and totally doing something different. So i decided i would go at it, like a man you know with no feelings or emotions besides it wasnt anything much just harmless flirting and friendship with benefits right??
We watch a lot of talk shows especially american ones the likes of tyra banks and oprah and see alot of women come to the show and air their family issues on tv and i know like me, most of us have vowed never ever! Even thought that this women who cried and bared their hearts out on national tv were weak, you know ! So what if your daddy abused you when you were a child ? life starts again! So what if you never met your daddy ? deal with it! So what if your daddy said you will never amount to anything! So what if your daddy was polygamous? So what if your daddy never loved you! So what this and that….yea they are pretty lame so we think…..
So one day peter asks me “do you think your dad loves you”? i had previously shared with him somethingS concerning my relationship with my dad and his question sort of caught me off guard. I Looked him straight in the eye and told him i wasnt going to have that discussion with him, he apologised and asked again this time thinking he was framing it better so he asked “do you know your dad loves you? That was it ! I just started weeping….i burst out of the room and i came face to the reality that honestly i could not answer that question! I mean tell me how many of our african fathers tell us what they think of us. How many fathers tell their kids of how proud they are of them? I loved my father and honesty speaking every person i dated had to have some characteristics of him….problem is, same way i viewed my father is the same way i viewed God! I just dint know how or what he thought of me, i went through life trying to fill that love with different people and things…had crazy expectations in the relationships i was in. Women all over the world want 2 things Security and Love,the desire to be cherished and loved and accepted. And if one dint experience this with their father chances are they will be looking for it somewhere else…or we will have the “i can do it like a man ” sort of mentality,or i dont need nobody. So this bunch of women work hard to climb the cooperate ladder and mostly referred to as the lady of terror, or better yet, “iron lady” dont be fooled all that is just a face yes we can put it on so well but deep down we long to be secure,to be loved. The bible says He will never leave you nor forsake you,this is my favorate verse, but it never made sense until that sunday when i couldnt stop weeping and praying and finally made the drive to my parents house….i was ready to either have it all or loose it all, i was at a point where if my dad and i dint resolve things that happened in the past i just would continue being afraid, not committing,always trying to find fault in a relationship and taking an exit, never opening my heart to really accept being loved and to love back….it was either my relationship with my father or my relationship with my God because if thats how i viewed God, then how will i ever trust Him how would i trust God that he loved me and cared for and wanted the best for me. I was tired of being the man in my relationships always trying to call the shots,always having unrealistic expectations in relationships,always wanting to be affirmed that i was loved and cared for….
As i prayed for God’s favour that day i talked to dad, about my relationship with him,with my other siblings,his relationship with my mother and all of us as a family…..we talked bout my insecurities, my view of God, about my relationship with men and my fears……its like i was finally saying everything that was bottled inside me and this time the right person was listening. He listened, explained where he need to,apologised where he had wronged me,assured his love to me and prayed for me. Not in a million years did i ever think it would go the way it did…….
The other day i was watching how i met your mother and barney was saying. Wat for it………yea that he loved bimbos coz they had so much daddy issues so they were easy to sleep with and do whatever, since the bimbo was accepting anything that came along to find the daddy they never had.
make things right