I connected the dots of friday’s event when pastor munene shared during a singles meeting in reconnect….
i learnt something in school the other day most often when something unpleasant happens people tend to push it in the subconscious and move on,most times this event or tragedy is forgotten to them until something similar happens that brings back that memory to the conscious….when the teacher stated the facts were most of those whom did this were women, especially victims of rape, child molest, and broken hearts….
Now mine was not a tragedy and though painful its something i pushed away so that i can move on with my life, honesty i did move on for a while and acted like it never happened or he never existed,
but that friday all hell kinda broke loose….i learnt that apparently some men know our thinking pattern so girls be thou warned….
You see unlike anyother creature women believe that nothing happens out of chance,everything has a reason,and like peter odanga likes to say every face has a story……so as women we like connecting things,the dots no matter how long it takes will connect at some point…so on that day a friend of mine wrote to me,and i couldnt stop smiling, then i went on a panick mode! I rushed to the ladies room and i started crying, funny thing is as i looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself (ok chick this is way too much drama!! Whats wrong now?) i remembered how lets call him joe, had written to me when we were getting to know each other, that email brought with it painful memories and all i could mumble beneath the tears that were freely flowing was “please God i cant do this again…i dont have the strength or tools to handle it, i reminded him how i had given my heart for him to keep and hide me so that i wouldnt have to deal with another broken heart…..you see by reading my friends email it had opened up old closed cans of worms…of promises broken, of sacrifices forgotten, of a heart melted,of memories distorted…
I know of women who live in fear of dating again, i dint think i was until this incident. That all this time i was afraid, some of us have us have moved on with out dealing and healing the broken heart, but we constantly live in fear that one day that guy in our life will either cheat on us,lie to us or just leave us….when a guy even shows any of the sign associated with what joe did or say we automatically start judging and connecting dots,drawing conclusions…
We need to let go of what happened in the past inorder to live in the future, we need to let go of all the insecurities, we need to like who we are, we need to believe in ourselves and know that we are powerful beyond measure, we need a relationship with God, for only he knows us for he created us,we need to stop being the victims and be the victor!….we need to be forgiven inorder to forgive….we need to heal so as to love,
Imagine me,being free trusting you totally…finally i can imagine me…..
That evening as passi prayed all i could mumble beneath the tears flowing down my cheeks was Fix me Lord, fix this hurting heart,heal me and let me forgive…….