There is something about a man pursuing a woman , its like a dance of sorts where he stretches his hand and for what seems like forever awaits this beautiful maiden to stretch hers out and accept to be led by him, then they dance together, a dance of love, affirmation, of promise, of memories…then as the music faded i was there sitting, staring into space wondering how i got here…..the pain in my heart was too much to bear, there were doctors all around the hospital lobby but theycouldnt cure what i had, they didnt have a remedy to ease my pain,no shots to calm the voices in my head, events of the past year were still fresh in my mind, As i looked at him across from where i sat,busy playing with his blackberry, (gosh how i had come to hate that black berry!) i just couldnt figure out how we got here, thousands of conversations on the phone, meeting and greeting, all the ‘i love you’s’ now meant nothing, i walked out of the hospital and used the stairs.Tears in my eyes…..a thousand thoughts in my head, i took a long walk in no particular direction, then came to a stop at the stone pavement, we had been in love,it had been beautiful, but months down the line everything he said was taken as offence,everything he did was wrongly done, always trying to find meaning to what he meant.
This is not how i had pictured us, not how i had pictured love, i wanted to say so much but words failed me, i didnt want to seem needy or greedy. There was a disconnect but i just couldnt find the wire to join it back together and his silence was not helping….getting back to my seat across the lobby in the hospital silence….a never ending silence.. i made my decision.
Now 2 years later i remember the songs he sang, the dinners he made, the touch of his hand and it all makes sense…i remember the little presents i wrapped,the poetry i wrote, the words i said and the smell of his hand….His love language,My love language….two different languages not well known to the two of us……
This led me to interview this 3 amazing guys that i know and asked, what their take was on this subject was..meet bem 26, currently single, amos 26, currently single and Paul 35 married.
ME : What is your love language?
Bem : ehhhh english and abit of amharic.
Amos : mhhhh wait,(after much waiting ) this piece your doing is
it…ebu take me through kwanza…
Paul : mhhh (smiles)
Me : Ok in what ways do you show love ?
Bem : well first i need to put a disclaimer in that it varies from person to person, ok i would devote time to you, i would definately tell you, id try do nice things for you surprises, i mean the works!! i would try have as many adventures and new experiences with you, share my world with you and introduce you to my family andfriends. i would try become more of the person you want me to be WITHOUT losing who i am oh yeah and i would KICK your ass closer to Jesus coz i cant be with a woman who isnt close to Yahweh and since i love you i want to be with you.
Amos : what are my languages? well for me i think its ‘Physical touch and words of affirmation.
Paul: well giving gifts,helping around the house, cooking abit of cleaning ensuring that i help her out and just spedning time with her.
Me : Before you knew about the love languages how were your relationships then ?
Bem: i always tried to find out how they wanted to be loved, like i said it varies from one person to the other, was i succesful ? yes , though with a number of failures, especially when it came to relating with those who dont communicate.
Amos : they never worked just ended up breakin up because you find yourself frustrated and you dont know why and vice versa.
Paul: i really cant tell….things dint work and we left it at that. I think people just complicate relationships for nothing.
Me: How are your relationship now that you got to discover what your love language are and those of your partner ?
Bem : i may know what im doing but inorder for something to be given it must be recieved, so its not necessarily easier and all that.
Amos: well, i guess they will get better when i start dating coz now i know my love language, and ill be keen to learn hers.
Paul : Ok i think i need to ask her coz am not sure if am doing the right thing, maybe i have no clue what her languge is !
Me: Is it okay if a couple just tell each other their love languages or is it something that needs to be discovered ?
Bem : discussing it avoids alot of misunderstandings also discussing sets up a foundation where people speak na si kujijazia, that even with time as dynamics change we can still communicate whats new and whats not.
Amos : There is something about discovering something about someone and doing it, but then again as long as you get to know. (ps: i helped him answer this one..)
Paul: I think they should sit and discuss it and share, its way easier than trying to guess and doing the wrong things that frustrate her. Knowing early help me know what to do or say to her and it makes life easier.
After many years of counseling, Dr. Gary Chapman noticed a pattern: everyone he had ever counseled had a “love language,” a primary way of expressing and interpreting love. He also discovered that, for whatever reason, people are usually drawn to those who speak a different love language than their own. He wrote it all in a book called the 5 love languages, they are categorized as follows
• Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love
language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the
words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that
love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and
are not easily forgotten.
• Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like
full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is
critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down,
and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel
truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure
to listen can be especially hurtful.
• Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of
gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift.
If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you
are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was
sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary,
or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence
of everyday gestures.
• Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely!
Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an
“Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most
wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments,
and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their
feelings don’t matter.
• Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary
language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs,
pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm,
shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern,
care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while
neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
Now these languages are not cast on stone and one can have more than one language, they are also not restricted to man/woman relationships alone, they can be used to relate with family, friends, work mates etc. But the most important thing to remember so as you go into the New Year ,The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.There is no commandment greater than these.
wanna know your love language ? here take the test http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp
Now go out and Show some love 😉
Happy New Year.