What i want in a man and what i wish men knew….

This is an article i did for an online mag back in the day, for all my brothers out there…


Dan’s article came at the right time for me since it’s only the other day that I was actually thinking and trying to put down on paper on what I really want in a man and some things that I wished men knew about women. Honestly, I don’t think we are as complicated as men make us out to be. It may be true most of the times we are not sure of what we want but when we finally figure it out, it’s too late and we are already in a relationship that’s heading neither here nor there….

So here goes. These are my personal thoughts, most-probably shared by sisters around the world.

I love a man who knows God. Not one who knows about God. Yes, there is a difference: A man who knows God is one who can believe with you that rent is going to be paid at the end of the month even when he has no hope of a job and nowhere to borrow money. He has a relationship with God and believes and has seen God come through for him even in the most difficult and hopeless of times… he believes that prayer works. There is humility in this man since he recognizes One who is greater than him, therefore he treats his family and all human beings with respect and dignity.

I love a man who is honest, not only with the little things but with the huge stuff as well. What I don’t know will come to hurt me someday, so you thinking “I can keep this from her since she might get hurt” is not a good move. If you love me and are planning to spend the rest of your life with me, you owe it to me to be honest about your past or anything else you think I should not know. Believe me I won’t understand and celebrate with you for hiding children you had out of wedlock, or debts that you accumulated over the years when we are already married. Women take betrayal seriously. We may forgive but we will always remember, and earning our trust again will take a lot of time.

I love a man who can listen. I, like many women, love to talk!!! If you are keen enough, I say a lot of important stuff when am talking or narrating a movie I saw, so just don’t dismiss me thinking I am just mumbling. We tend not to be direct sometimes – hey, we like you and don’t want to hurt your feelings but instead of not saying anything, we will say it with gifts or gestures, eg if you have worn this shirt for too long, I will go out and buy you a shirt as a gift! I will buy you a cologne if the one you’re using always chokes me when I hug you, smelling nice is very important, please get the hint! But when push comes to shove we will lay it on the table and we expect you to consider our views and input.

We already have a bunch of insecure women in the world; why do you have your arm around me and your eyes on some other woman? It’s funny – when am committed I have my eyes on you only!

A man who can make me laugh and play with me – snakes and ladders, or teaching me monopoly, stealing jokes from Google and paraphrasing them to his own liking… I’m game!! I want to see you loosen up; you’re my friend first so having fun shouldn’t be such a doting task.

The things I wish men knew.

When you break up with someone please take time and get over it. Jumping to another relationship is a bomb waiting to explode. When you do move on, give the new girl a chance, She is nothing like your ex, so stop with the comparing and contrasting.

Stop with the gestures!! “I LOVE YOU!” Those words mean a lot more to me than a shopping spree in Paris or a holiday in the Bahamas (Fungua roho yako, ONGEA!).

I know it might sound like a double standard, but honestly the gestures women give are more obvious and being a woman myself, every gesture i give has a meaning behind it. A man will pass near a market and buy you a handbag just because he saw a nice handbag, while a woman will buy a man a certain kind of shirt to say, “Man, I think you need to try something different,” or “This shirt will look great on him!”

With men, it’s just all mixed up! A man might ask you out and have you thinking, “Wow, he likes me, or he wants to know me,” only for you to find out .that he was plotless or he just didn’t want to go to the movies alone, or his friend stood him up so he decided to call you!

Not all women are after your money! Relax!! And me offering to pay for dinner or lunch doesn’t make you less of a man, or it doesn’t mean I’m trying to show you that I’m independent. I just want to treat my man as well.

I’m tired of my brothers using the visual creature excuse on us, a thousand centauries later. Please. You are the man, you’re in control, zip it!! And on the same note, stop ogling at me as if am a piece of meat you want to eat!

When I tell you that I need to think about it, whether it’s a date or asking to go exclusive, please give me the time and space to do so. I just don’t want to make you another statistic.

If you like me, or don’t like me, spare me the mixed signals and coded messages …because if I already like you I will interpret it to my benefit…so do the right thing, COMMUNICATE!!!

Again, we don’t like being rejected but the earlier you tell us where this “friendship” is headed, the less painful it is. So stop stringing us along, we don’t want to be knitted if we won’t be worn.

Before I met you, I had and still have friends who are guys, don’t expect me to stop taking their calls or meeting them because they were always there for me. I placed boundaries with my male friends so I don’t expect your female friends to be all over you either.

Wanjiku Ndungu

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4 thoughts on “What i want in a man and what i wish men knew….

  1. Pingback: Africa: Of Misunderstandings, the Best Laid Plans and Language Challenge · Global Voices

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